Pick up any parenting book in Smiths and you’ll find an FAQ section with the same old ‘when can I feed my child solids?’ or ‘how warm should his room be?’. But the questions you’ll actually be asking yourself and thoughts you’ll be having when baby arrives are much more random. For example…
1. Whoever coined the phrase ‘sleep like a baby’ had clearly never met a baby. Unless they meant ‘groan and grunt for four hours, poo yourself and end up wide awake ready for the day by 3am’.
2. What on earth did I do with all that spare time before I was a dad?
3. I really want a mince pie, but if I move he’ll wake up. Maybe I should carry an emergency mince pie from now on.
4. Is it really mean to post a picture of Albie’s pooing face on Facebook?
5. I have a new superpower. I can now fall asleep literally anywhere, anytime.
6. I wish I could go back and just spend a week sleeping 8 hours a night and really enjoying it.
7. Why do all other dads look like they’re dining on three healthy meals a day, spending an hour at the gym, then heading home and enjoying a relaxing evening with the family before retiring to bed for eight hours of peaceful slumber? B**tards.
8. Is it too soon to get Albie word perfect with the Hamilton cast recording?
9. Why oh why did we have a baby just before the clocks went back? I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT DAYLIGHT LOOKS LIKE.
10. I’m so good at doing things with one hand now. Making a cuppa – no probs. Buttering bread – got it. Washing, sterilising and assembling an electric breast pump – call me the master.